I feel like I haven’t taken out the time to talk to you in a while. There’s a reason for that. I won’t completely go over everything that’s been happening in my life because I’m still going through it and I haven’t quite yet figured out how to express it all in words. But basically I am dealing with HEAVY anxiety and a bit of depression.
Some of you may be reading this like, “wait, YOU? Depression? I would have never guessed that.” Well that’s part of my problem. I do not let that part of me be shown to the public. While transparency is important when it comes to these topics because you never know who it may help, I have never been one to show my weaknesses. Yes I know expressing this does not make me weak but that’s how I feel. When it comes to anxiety and depression I believe it falls on a spectrum. Not everyone has anxiety attacks and not everyone is suicidal. Some of us just fail to follow through with certain things, avoid things and people we love and become mentally and emotionally drained for days on end. It’s something a lot of people face and for the most part don't even realize it.
Now you may be asking, “What is making you depressed or anxious?” Well first I am a control freak to a certain degree and right now so many things are out of my control. I am tearing up writing this down. I like to know what is happening, when it’s happening, why it’s happening all the time when it comes to my life. I want things in my life to always be as best as they can be and right now, socially, professionally and romantically, NONE OF THOSE THINGS are up to par. For years my emotions have been on a roller coaster but I have always been able to chin check them and keep it moving after a week or two. Living as an adult, things just hit different. You are constantly moving that time slips you by. You are told for so long that when you become an adult there so many things you have to handle on your own and your emotions are something that subconsciously become one those “things”.
Like I mentioned earlier I am still learning and going through this so I haven’t quite yet found MY solution. One thing I have done is avoid certain situations, conversations and people. I know what my triggers are and I am aware of what I can and cannot mentally and emotionally comprehend. Certain responses make me close up, certain vibes easily irritate me and certain conversations get me really emotional. Knowing your personal triggers, acknowledging them and even respecting them are very important and a key step to getting through any situation. Of course in this situation I know the importance of finding a therapist. I went to therapy for a hot second when I was a kid and I always had a high level of respect for it. My issue with finding one now is that yes, I prefer to find a black therapist, preferably one who is a woman. Being in my small town, majority of them know me from my childhood. While I know they are professional, I prefer to find someone who will be completely unbiased and unaware. My other step has been finding ways to fall in love with myself and acknowledge my strength. As far back as I can remember, things and people always making me feel inadequate, insecure and sometimes unworthy. Mentally I tell myself that it isn’t true but there was always a disconnect from me telling myself that and me believing it all the way through.
For so long I have “rolled with the punches” and told myself that my problems weren’t big enough to affect me the way they did because I knew others had it worse. I had to learn that everything in my life was specific to me; what bothered me may have seemed so small to one person but a hell of a lot to someone else. I never let myself truly respect my pain and allow it to filter out properly. That has had me clogged up emotionally. With each struggle something inside of me hardens and my “once upon a time” self is screaming at me telling me that I wasn’t always this way.
Where I am in life right now and what I am dealing with gave me the epiphany of who Trenae had become and gave me the freedom to decide if I liked her or not. While I know I am not perfect, I do like who I am but know I know that I am capable of much greater things and have the ability to grow. I’m tearing up again. I say all this to redirect back to another point I made earlier in my post that, “transparency is important.” Life is hard AF and it was never promised to be easy for anyone but there is always another side to our problems; a side that is filled with relief. With faith and if you’re like me, some frustrated cries, you will get there. Add some soul searching and self-love to that idea of time “healing all wounds” and there is no doubt that solace is approaching.
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