Life is funny huh? Well to me it is. Especially when it comes to my outlook on love and how it effects me. In previous posts you will hear me talk about how I once was the hopeless romantic. I started planning my wedding at 13-years-old and how falling in love used to be my main aspiration in life; I craved it. As we all know by now, life will sneak up and change our whole perspective, rerouted our whole life. This definitely happened when it came to love. While this is attested to outside factors and my own choices but it has a lot to do with the men who hurt me. So here’s a letter to them.
Dear such and such (their names aren’t important),
You really suck. Not because of the obvious reason of letting me go but for the simple fact, you couldn’t do it without trying to make a fool of me. Was it that hard? Did you not care enough? Either way, you suck. I gave the best version of me I could at the time to you and you took it for granted. How dare you? I wanted you. I had my eyes on you and your attention was on everything else besides trying to love or even like me properly. I can only find that humorous now.
When you first hurt my feelings, I thought it was my fault. I thought I didn’t do enough or that I wasn’t good enough and you let me feel that way. What the entire fuck? Was it impossible for you to even talk me through your thoughts, walk me through your feelings? It had to be because here I am writing this letter about how you fucking suck. I never entered this endeavor with the intentions of it being a fling. I never wanted it to end and most definitely did not want it to end badly; which is why I wasn’t the one who ended it. And if I did end it, it’s because you made it clear from jump that even trying to make me happy or loving me properly wasn't an option. It’s okay though, you saved us both a heartache.
You never really wanted me. You never really loved me. You never really saw in me what you thought to be worthy. You were never really honest with me. If you were, we may still be friends, I may still talk to you consistently, we may still be in love but that’s not the case. Had you been all of these things, I may not have cried as much as I did, I may not have resented love, I may still have given you the chance to love me. I can’t believe that you were this dumb, naive and selfish with such a gem. But I hope you don’t have to spend the rest of your life looking for what you had in your face once upon a time.
Now I can’t go into this making it seem as if I had no part in this but I know what my intentions were. I know what I wanted. I gave the best of me. But did you? I may sound full of myself and I may sound a bit upset but I allowed myself to build me back up, be all about me since you weren’t. Be in my feelings cause I'm human. In the end, I reminded myself that I have always been worthy of what I wanted out of love is possible; you were just incapable of giving it to me.
At the end of the day I just want to say THANK YOU. Thank you for hurting me. Thank you for showing me what I didn’t want, thank you for showing me what man I didn’t need in my life. Thank you for allowing me to feel an array of emotions that left room for the right man to prove to me that the love I once believed in was real. Thank you for giving me the capability of seeing both sides of love. You gave me a pain that made me strong and you shocked me into reality. I am thankful for that. The narcissist in me is thankful that you gave me the reality of knowing I will always be the one that got a way.
I hope you become the man I always hoped you to be. I hope you you find a woman in this world that will make you see life the way you couldn’t with me. You still fucking suck but good luck.
The woman of your dreams.
Ladies (and yes you too men), love will chew you up and spit you out. Relationships can literally make or break you. But what will happen to you is only based on what you allow. My love story is still being written and I may have to write 1000 more letters but I will always take a chance on love. Be true to you. Be the best version of you. Take those speed bumps we may call relationships as lessons and elevate. You got it sis.