I was 19 years young when I first truly fell in love. Then when I was about 23, I thought the possibility of being in love again was at my fingertips. Neither one of those relationships ended well. They both left me feeling low, lost, infuriated and basically broken. I followed what I thought were the “rules” to be in love and what I thought it was supposed to be like and it backfired. I ended up blaming myself, trying to figure out what ways can I make myself better, prettier, more impressive; things that I would later realize were not necessary. Here I am approaching 26 years old and I am still putting together the pieces.
Before you ask, yes I have been single for six years (my relationship when I was 23 was more like a “situationship” but I digress). Being single for this long has been its own type of battle.
Sometimes at the most random moments, I get hit with sadness. I don’t always know why but I know it stems from the broken heart I have tried to put back together. Is it self-doubt? Do I miss the same thing that “broke me”? Am I lonely or just alone? I don’t always have the answers and that frustrates me more. At other times I very content. Not having to reply to a text message, being able to avoid the “can we chill” questions and looking like a bum on all of my off days seem like the best choice. But the cycle is never ending.
“Get back out there.” “Have an open mind.” “You never know.” Phrases that may have pushed me to date before I was ready. I don’t even know how to do these things. I don’t know if I want to but I should right? These same phrases helped me navigate through my own feelings and thoughts. I get excited about the possibility of dating. Dating comes with entertaining the idea of creating new friendships and finding “the one”. Two weeks later I am over that. Dating also comes with a lot of expectations that may not be met on both ends and allowing the possibility of getting hurt again.
I don’t know what or who I want these days. Some days I think I am super shallow and then other days I think I am more in tune with what is for me. I have found myself pushing people away, hurting people and not entertaining any possibility with others. Worst part of all that is, I’m not apologetic.
Though my broken heart shattered my entire idea of what love was, it’s helped me become more in touch with reality. There is no perfect person and falling in and out of love is a part of this life we live. People can either avoid it entirely or we can face the inevitable with the idea of being lucky with our choice.
I haven’t been able to get over my anger and my broken heart because I haven’t quite figured out how to restore myself or my faith in love completely. So I resent love. I hold myself back. I pity the idea. Which means I resent people, create this wall and the pity the person who tries to get through. Now I know you may be thinking, “Well Trenae if you are doing that, this is your own fault” and you are absolutely right. However this same behavior has saved me from some horrible situations in recent years. It has helped me not react to situations that are not worth my energy. It’s saved and protected my heart from a pain I may never be immune to.
Though I doubt love, I still believe in it. That’s why every once in a while, I will give out my number and my real name. I know no matter how much I joke about being single forever, I am not meant to be. My love for love is hindered but it’s not completely destroyed. So regardless if it takes 6 days, 6 months or God forbid another 6 years, finding that romantic vibe in me, that partner and genuine experience is still a possibility. Once your heart is broken it physically, mentally and emotionally has an effect on your life. It changes you in ways you had hoped to avoid and may not even notice. You have to know what you want, and go after that. Stay healthy in the decisions you make and be honest when you mess up, because you probably will. But in the end, losing faith in something as strong as love and romance will probably be worse than the heartbreak itself, so “keep an open mind because you never know”.